Sunday, December 4, 2011

things that make you go hmmmmm....

Let me just get this out of the way: has it really been since February that I last blogged? WTH? And I mean that. Where did 2011 go?

This post is also going to be a bitchfest. In fact, if there was a song called bitchfest 2011, that would have been the title of this post. Have you noticed that my posts are titled after songs? I've been feeling stabby for quite some time, but I always put on a smile and pretend that things are fine. Maybe this will help me clear my head. If you know me, you already know that 85.4 percent of my observations are sarcastic. It's how I deal...judge me if you must.

So, in no particular order, I give you Bitchfest 2011.

1. It's cold and snowing. The onset of winter is just a cruel, heartless time of year. Farewell to my favorite season, and hello to shitty driving and stupid drivers. Pass the coffee and gimme two shots of Irish cream in there.

2. Quit posting the fabutastic craft you're never going to make on Pinterest. Instead of acting like you're better than everyone else for making your own clothes out of old t-shirts and yarn, spend that time actually doing something you can do, or learn something new. But for real, are you ever going to make your own laundry soap?

3. My kitchen is a gigantic mess. My kids have had friends over all weekend, and they've eaten every bit of food I had in the cupboards, dirtied every drinking glass TWICE, and used every pot and pan. This morning, there was dried shredded cheese all over my counter. I've done three loads of dishes in the dishwasher. I don't even want to think about going in there. Blah.

4. Somewhere, there is a leaky pipe in our ceiling in the basement. It it inconsistently occurring, so of course my husband wants to ignore it instead of trying to figure it out. Are you kidding me?!??!? I can't STAND that. It needs to be fixed. Holy shit, I need a Tylenol. Have I mentioned that our sliding glass door has been broken for more than two years? Eye effing roll.

5. Why am I the only person who will clean up vomit, pee and poop in this house? Why? Am I the only sucker? The only one who is responsible? I am quite certain that if someone had told me that as a mother I'd be responsible for cleaning up all unholy messes and investigating strange smells by sniffing the crotches of things, weird-colored spots on carpet and unidentifiable foods in the fridge, I'd have reconsidered my decision to have sex. Ever. Being a nun really doesn't sound all that terrible at the moment.

6. My throat still gives me problems, even after having my tonsils out. I have very short muscles in my throat, my vocal cords are short, and I clench my jaw. These things strain my voice, which makes my throat hurt. Annoying.

7. Our van needs new tires, the car has a squeaky belt. See item 4. These things will not get fixed unless I do them myself. For the love!

8. My kids cannot walk anywhere in the house without stomping. Everywhere they go STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP. I swear I'm not making this up. I rarely say anything about it unless my husband (who works nights) is sleeping. And then when I do, they give me a look of surprise and say, "I am not stomping!" to which I reply,"You're right. It was a figment of my imagination." Then they look at me like I'm a crazy person. Which I am, of course.

9. No one in my house can find anything without me. They spend 15 minutes "looking" and crying, only to have me stop whatever it is I'm doing to look and find it within the first 60 seconds.

10. Put recyclable items in the recycle bin, NOT in the trash. It's not that hard.

11. I know I am on the crazy train, so why stop? Here's the last thing, and then you can comment and tell me I need a psychiatrist. I hate it when people open packages poorly. You know, so you can't re-seal it well. So it spills everywhere when bumped. So the cans roll out of the box and explode on the floor. So an entire bag of corn nuts or m & m's will spill all over the inside of the car and into cracks where no one can reach. I know that sometimes this is inevitable. But this isn't a rare occurrence at my house. It happens on a regular basis.

I need a vacation!!!!


jess said...

I just realized I'm super hungry. Some of my complaining may have been fueled by an empty stomach...

Anthony said...

Welcome back Jess!!!! Your list makes me laugh, cause that is exactly my life. I have a door in the sun-porch that hasn't been able to swing open in 2 years...I should fix that sometime. I try to help my kids find things, but if I cant see it from the recliner, I'm probably gonna ask my wife where it is, I know she'll have it found in 60 seconds or less. :D

DEBBIE said...

I like to read your yearly blog.... Keepnup the good work!

DEBBIE said...

Welcome back... No one fixes anything in my house either. So I give Sam a one last warning and if it doesn't get doneni hirenit done....