Sunday, December 4, 2011

things that make you go hmmmmm....

Let me just get this out of the way: has it really been since February that I last blogged? WTH? And I mean that. Where did 2011 go?

This post is also going to be a bitchfest. In fact, if there was a song called bitchfest 2011, that would have been the title of this post. Have you noticed that my posts are titled after songs? I've been feeling stabby for quite some time, but I always put on a smile and pretend that things are fine. Maybe this will help me clear my head. If you know me, you already know that 85.4 percent of my observations are sarcastic. It's how I deal...judge me if you must.

So, in no particular order, I give you Bitchfest 2011.

1. It's cold and snowing. The onset of winter is just a cruel, heartless time of year. Farewell to my favorite season, and hello to shitty driving and stupid drivers. Pass the coffee and gimme two shots of Irish cream in there.

2. Quit posting the fabutastic craft you're never going to make on Pinterest. Instead of acting like you're better than everyone else for making your own clothes out of old t-shirts and yarn, spend that time actually doing something you can do, or learn something new. But for real, are you ever going to make your own laundry soap?

3. My kitchen is a gigantic mess. My kids have had friends over all weekend, and they've eaten every bit of food I had in the cupboards, dirtied every drinking glass TWICE, and used every pot and pan. This morning, there was dried shredded cheese all over my counter. I've done three loads of dishes in the dishwasher. I don't even want to think about going in there. Blah.

4. Somewhere, there is a leaky pipe in our ceiling in the basement. It it inconsistently occurring, so of course my husband wants to ignore it instead of trying to figure it out. Are you kidding me?!??!? I can't STAND that. It needs to be fixed. Holy shit, I need a Tylenol. Have I mentioned that our sliding glass door has been broken for more than two years? Eye effing roll.

5. Why am I the only person who will clean up vomit, pee and poop in this house? Why? Am I the only sucker? The only one who is responsible? I am quite certain that if someone had told me that as a mother I'd be responsible for cleaning up all unholy messes and investigating strange smells by sniffing the crotches of things, weird-colored spots on carpet and unidentifiable foods in the fridge, I'd have reconsidered my decision to have sex. Ever. Being a nun really doesn't sound all that terrible at the moment.

6. My throat still gives me problems, even after having my tonsils out. I have very short muscles in my throat, my vocal cords are short, and I clench my jaw. These things strain my voice, which makes my throat hurt. Annoying.

7. Our van needs new tires, the car has a squeaky belt. See item 4. These things will not get fixed unless I do them myself. For the love!

8. My kids cannot walk anywhere in the house without stomping. Everywhere they go STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP. I swear I'm not making this up. I rarely say anything about it unless my husband (who works nights) is sleeping. And then when I do, they give me a look of surprise and say, "I am not stomping!" to which I reply,"You're right. It was a figment of my imagination." Then they look at me like I'm a crazy person. Which I am, of course.

9. No one in my house can find anything without me. They spend 15 minutes "looking" and crying, only to have me stop whatever it is I'm doing to look and find it within the first 60 seconds.

10. Put recyclable items in the recycle bin, NOT in the trash. It's not that hard.

11. I know I am on the crazy train, so why stop? Here's the last thing, and then you can comment and tell me I need a psychiatrist. I hate it when people open packages poorly. You know, so you can't re-seal it well. So it spills everywhere when bumped. So the cans roll out of the box and explode on the floor. So an entire bag of corn nuts or m & m's will spill all over the inside of the car and into cracks where no one can reach. I know that sometimes this is inevitable. But this isn't a rare occurrence at my house. It happens on a regular basis.

I need a vacation!!!!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

getting better all the time (can't get no worse...can it??)

***i wrote this post more than 2 weeks ago... i didn't publish it because i was taking massive amounts of percocet and i wanted to come back and read it after i felt better. i am publishing it as is - no edits. i'm three weeks post surgery now, and i'm still alive, although this has been a very dark time in my life. i'll come back and write a full followup post very soon, but for now, enjoy a story about my horrible tonsillectomy.***

i haven't brushed my teeth for eight days. EIGHT DAYS. before you judge me... let me explain. i had my tonsils out just over a week ago. there is nothing that could have prepared me for how harrowing this experience has been. how humbling. i've been overwhelmed by my friends bringing dinner over for me and my family. for the treats they've brought just for me, things like chocolate creamies, italian ice and vanilla ice cream. for the trashy magazines i love so much - like people, star and US weekly. my husband has been an absolute rock star to take care of me - because i'm so sick of myself, i can't imagine that no one else is sick of me yet. he assures me he isn't...but he probably is ready for me to be feeling back to my normal self.

i had two weeks to get all my "houses" in order before my scheduled surgery. the work house, the house house and the mental house. work house - easy to prep for because i have fantastic colleagues. house house, pretty easy to prep for, but as i was writing everything down, the schedule, who needed to be where and at what time and the mode of transportation, i realized just how much stuff i really do! I AM AMAZING. and i'm worried that paul will be able to handle everything. while he's a great husband, he's not the household CEO. he's never not been married or lived at home... so running the whole show by himself will be his own personal accomplishment.

last of all...the mental house. how do you prepare for something when you have no idea what is going to really happen?

nothing could have prepared me mentally for the hell i was about to embark on. nothing.

i got to the hospital and everything there was standard. i have to put in a plug for cache valley specialty hospital here. their staff are personable and amazing. they are friendly, compassionate and they explained things clearly. the anesthesiologist laughed at me because i was uber concerned about begin able to get my nose ring back in RIGHT AFTER SURGERY. super important, right? he walked me to the OR and i laid down on the table. the nurse wrapped me up in those warm blankets that i love so much. i want one of those blanket warmers in my house. i remember telling her about my dogs, and what kind they are and that's the last thing i remember.

when i woke up, i didn't know where i was. i must have asked for diet mountain dew, however. and god bless cache valley specialty hospital. THEY HAVE DIET MOUNTAIN DEW. and the nurses made me a diet dew slushie. swoon. the one who was taking care of me knew me from high school and i wish i could remember her name, but i don't. maybe paul remembers her. anyway, she was super nice and they took excellent care of me there. i was almost sad to leave.

the rest of that day wasn't really that bad. i drank lots of water and paul kept my humidifier filled up. i set the timer on my phone to go off every four hours so i would remember to take my percoset. i rotated percoset with ibuprofen or aleve every two hours. the pain was under control and i was even able to eat.

the next day i woke up and i was extremely nauseated. i tried to eat a little bit, but i was afraid i was going to vomit whatever i ate. i knew i was in trouble because the pain in my throat was beginning to grow exponentially and i knew the percoset would make me sick if i didn't eat. vicious cycle. to make a long story short, i threw up. not awesome. it hurt like hell and i wanted to saw my head off with a butter knife. i sent paul to logan to get me some anti nausea meds (prescription) and to get me some yogurt. and some cup o soup. i miss savory food ... i don't want any more sweet foods at this point. i'm tired of them already.

so, the next two days (friday and saturday) are pretty much repeats of thursday. this is where the mental breakdown starts to occur. in my experience, when i'm sick - i expect to have a day where the sickness comes, the day or two of hell, and then the storm passes and i'm on the upswing. THIS WAS NOT TO BE THE CASE with these tonsils. i'd go to bed at night. i'd think to myself, "tomorrow will be better. i'll probably be able to eat something more substantial."

and then i'd wake up in the morning. i'd know that there was no way in hell i was going to be able to eat. that there was no way today would be ANY better than yesterday. and honestly? the horrible feeling that today might actually be worse than yesterday. as if that were possible.

well it is. it's entirely possible. and it's enough to make me want to cry. but i didn't... not because i'm tough. i didn't cry because i knew it would hurt and i didn't want any more pain.

sunday and monday were horrible. they were twice as bad and friday and saturday. i had a brief respite on monday evening through tuesday evening. i was able to eat a delicious broccoli chicken casserole with rice and i felt decent. however. enter wednesday morning. i think this is when the scabs in my throat started to fall off. it feels like i have sheets of thick black ragged plastic hanging in the back of my throat. i can't move them. i can't dislodge them. i can only swallow around them. gag gag barf barf. right? this is when i really started to unravel. my husband had to go back to work last night and i wouldn't go to sleep until almost 3 a.m. because i was scared i might need him in my sleep and he wouldn't be there. i slept for most of the day yesterday. most of the sleep was feverish and i felt like i was half awake. stuck in this no-sleep-no-food-tons-of-pain purgatory.

...more to come later.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

roam if you want toooooo....roam around the world

here it is! part two! it's what you've been waiting for - did i sleep at all that first night? what else happened on the great camping expedition of 2010?

so camp was set up. we had the stuff for s'mores. i thought it would be fun to go check out a yellowstone thermo feature before we came back to build a fire. i didn't know i would almost be killed by an elk while on this little jaunt near the lake. but hey. no one really knows when they'll be looking death right in the face. and who knew that death looks like a cow elk?

paul and i headed over to west thumb geyser basin, a lovely little hot pot of activity on the shore of yellowstone lake. did you know the lake is so cold that no one really swims in it? and it's at about 8000 feet above sea level, too. don't you just love little facts? i do. i'm always googling or wikipedia'ing something. (also a word. you can find it next to swassy. in an unalphabetical dictionary. unalphabetical is also a word, and is also in that dictionary.)

oops. got off track. so we're nearing the end of our lovely evening walk around the boardwalk and we've seen some stanky boiling mud pots, and some gorgeous hot springs. and by gorgeous, i mean absolutely amazing. there is nothing like these hot springs anywhere else. and we come across a cow elk, grazing on some grass RIGHT NEXT TO THE BOARDWALK. sooo coool, right? paul even walks right up next to her and makes me take a pic (posted on facebook soon, i promise...). he's a total idiot, because to his immediate left, THERE IS A LITTLE BABY ELK. it still has its spots, so it's really just a little guy. now there is a section of boardwalk that has railings (because you know elk can't jump, right? why did i think (and still think...) that those railings were safer than the section of boardwalk without railings? i don't want to walk through the mom and the baby. but paul keeps telling me i'll be fine. so, in a moment of complete idiocy, i decide, fine, i'll do it. so i walk through and the freaking cow charges my ass.

do you think i'm joking? I AM NOT. i think i peed just a little bit in my pants. for the rest of the trip, i was convinced i was going to get trampled by an elk, eaten by a bear, and/or gored by a bison. and? i bitched about it. a lot.

so we go back to camp, and make our delicious s'mores. sooo good. roasting marshmallows is one of the best things on earth. i decide i'm going to take a sleeping pill before i climb into my sleeping bag. unfortunately, i drank a bit too much wine, so at 12:30 a.m., i had to pee. i totally wake up paul to make him take me to the bathroom, because i'm convinced that mr. grizzly bear is right outside our tent, ready to eat the people in the camp next door BECAUSE THEY WERE ALWAYS COOKING.

i freeze my ass off on the way to the potty...and then i come back to the tent. the wind kicks up, it sprinkles a bit, and the trees make sooo much noise. i swear i kept hearing bear noises (whatever those are) outside our tent. paul is super patient... he tells me everything is fine, he strokes my hair, and he never gets mad. meanwhile, I AM INSANE. totally INSANE. i'm convinced i'm going to be ripped out of the tent by my head. and partially eaten, which is way worse than being wholly eaten, right? i think i slept about 3 hours that night. maybe less. whatever. it sucked, but i didn't die.

more later? we'll seee.....

Monday, August 9, 2010

vacation all i ever wanted

my kids are off visiting their dad...and i can't stand having an empty house. it IS nice and peaceful...and lonely. i'm not like most divorced parents, who get a weekend of no kids every other week... my kids are with me all of the time. and? that is how i want it. i wouldn't have it any other way. however, my husband probably grows weary of it every now and then, so i told him we could go on vacation while my kids were gone.

in a moment of temporary insanity, i agreed to go camping in yellowstone for a week.

back the truck up.



in bear country. in a tent.

what the HELL was i thinking??? i hate camping! i hate being dirty! my idea of "roughing it" is staying at a hotel that hasn't been recently remodeled. like the excalibur in las vegas, for instance. or... sleeping on the couch (which is something i never do...). what i'm trying to say here is that I DO NOT CAMP. ever.

the campground i picked out did have flushing toilets and pay showers. yay for running water. yay for husbands who put up with incessant complaining about being cold, scared and swassy. (that is not a typo. thanks, drive through...)

we made the drive up to yellowstone pretty uneventfully. we stopped off for some sandwiches in alpine junction, where i hit my head rather hard on the latch mechanism of the shell on my husband's truck. super awesome sauce. the teton mountains are absolutely spectacular. i will post some photos on facebook later. paul has them all on his camera.

we got to our campground and because i was the one who had made the reservation (and i am the planner/organizer/pants wearer when it comes to these kind of things), i went to the counter to check in. the lady asked if i had camped in bear country before... and that is where things went to poop really fast. i said to her, "i haven't camped for like 15 years. and i sure hell haven't camped in bear country." she then rattled off a list of RULES TO FOLLOW unless YOU WANT TO SUFFER DEATH BY BEAR, which included her circling little bullet points on the campground map in bright orange highlighter. she did the circling on text that was upside down to her (so i could read it...) which i found somewhat calming... and distracting... wait. where was i?

hells. bells.

at the end of THE RULES YOU'LL FOLLOW IF YOU WANT TO LIVE, she proceeds to further inform me that a male grizzly bear lives near the campground and that he walks through it ALMOST EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. WHAT. THE. F. AM. I. DOING. OUT. HERE?!??!

she tells me to call 911 if i see him. great. i'll do that. thanks, lady. i will not sleep for the next four nights. and damn, i had planned to keep my stash of beef jerky under my pillow.

we found our space without any trouble and decided we really liked our little spot we'd been assigned. just as we got our tent set up, our neighbors arrived. sigh. they had two camp spaces because they had a large group. they were LOUD. they didn't know how to set up their tents. and THEY WERE ALWAYS COOKING. and driving the wrong way on the one way streets in the campground. OMG. and? they stayed all week! LUCKY US! i was convinced their constant cooking was going to get us eaten by a bear. one of them had a hair dryer - and he used it. every day. i wish you could have seen his hair. it was... indescribable.

speaking of hair. guess what i intentionally left at home? because i'm a a real camper, dammit?

my flat iron and my hair dryer. i never go ANYWHERE overnight without my flat iron. no.where.

so. we're here. we have the tent set up. the food in the cooler is cool. we have the stuff to make s'mores (11 dollars later. we forgot our stuff to make them at home, so we had to buy the fixins in the park...)

but the real question: does this girl sleep at night???

you'll have to stay tuned to find out...

Monday, June 28, 2010

summertime and the livin's easy

oh summer, how do i love thee??? let me count the ways. getting sunburnt is worth a day at the pool. hot leather seats are worth it when you have some awesome tunes to turn up loud - with the sunroof open. yay for cooking out, for pasta salad with fresh vegetables, for an ice cold beer, and for dutch oven potatoes. holla for fresh peas out of the garden, for freshly cut grass and for kids running through the sprinkler. yay for fourth of july and for hot summer nights, and BIG yay for dogs who stay clean and dry. pretty sparkly toenails and sunkissed bronze skin makes me happy.

since my last blog post, lots of stuff has happened. jenna tried out for a new soccer team -and of course she made it. we loved our old team, but she got a chance to guest play with this team at a tournament over memorial day weekend and she absolutely loved it. she went to try out for this team and really liked the coach and the other girls. another major factor in our decision was that she is a U10 player - and her old team was going to be U11, which meant she'd be playing up. i wasn't a big fan of that at all...

i have been hemming and hawing over a new mattress for several months. originally, i wanted a king size bed, but i thought it was just going to be too damn expensive. well, after spending about 6 hours at IKEA, we (me and the manhusband) got it all figured out. we bought a king size bed, mattress, night stands and a dresser. and two lamps that i love. my room is all modern and sleek looking now - AND i have a king size bed. our mattress is comfy as hell - i can't remember when i slept so well. paul was quite a stud to stuff that mattress in the back of the truck, too. HA!

i have to go to california for work in two weeks. i'm glad about this because i really need a break from life. i will eat lavish food, see fantastic scenery, and just take some time for me. ah, zen.

what's up with you this summer? anything good?

Sunday, June 6, 2010

pride (in the name of love)

today i was watching tv with my kids. i sent them off to go do a few chores before dinner and switched it over to the news.

turns out i was just in time to catch the pride parade that was in SLC today. complete with a dude dancing on a float dressed in nothing but some very tight, very small underwear.

help me figure this out, reader. first, a few facts, as you may not know where i stand on all of this:

  1. i believe in equal rights for everyone. if gays want to be married, fine. i have zero problems with gay people. 
  2. i'm not religious at all. i have zero interest in what the bible says. i'm socially responsible.
  3. i have several gay friends. in fact, i've long believed that every woman needs a gay best friend. haha! 
  4. my kids know all about gays. that's actually a funny story.. i've posted it below in the p.s.
  5. my kids also know quite a bit about sex. we talk about it whenever the opportunity presents itself. so it wasn't like i was pissed or shocked that they would see this. i only brought it up b/c it's atypical of me to view the news with my kids. there isn't much good news on the news. :)
i am struggling with supporting this pride parade. here's why: sex doesn't belong in public. i don't think it's ok (or in the best interest of the gay rights movement) for some dude (or dudette), gay or not, to dance practically naked on a parade float in a public venue. i'm not part of the gay community, but if i was, that would not be the message i would want to send out. the message i got said, "hey, i'm gay, i'm sexual, i like to party, and i want to hook up with any gay guy out here."

in my mind, the message should be, "we are people too. we have jobs. we have kids. we have moms, brothers, cousins. we pay bills, we pay taxes, we eat food, we put our pants on one leg at a time, too. we're just like you."

am i right? am i wrong? help me see your point of view. am i reading into this too much? taking it too seriously? i wasn't there, so i don't know what the rest of the day was like or what any of the other activities were. the only thing i saw was that 1 min spot on the news.

keep any comments respectful. no hate speech.

p.s. here's the story on my kids finding out about gays. we watch the amazing race. and there's almost always a gay couple. so a few seasons ago, there were some married lesbian priests. my daughter said to me, "married?" and she had this look on her face that said REALLY??? my son said, "girls can be gay?" so i kept it short and sweet, b/c they were 7 and 9 at the time, and i told them that yes, girls can be gay. gays can be married in some states. and in some churches, the priests can be gay. i didn't need to explain the gay part. they figured that out all on their own. so, don't go thinking your kids are naive. they aren't.

p.s.s. we were in the city of salt last weekend, and we saw a homeless dude on the street. daughter pointed and yelled, "look!! a HOMO!!!" and then after we all collapsed in laughter, she retracted. "ooops, i mean a HOBO." hahahahahaaaaaa

Thursday, May 27, 2010

livin on a prayer

it's soccer insanity! tournaments, tryouts, and more sports drinks than you can shake a stick at. (wtf does "shake a stick at mean anyway? and it ends with a preposition. is that still bad grammar?)

jake's team is playing in a mini-tournament to decide the placing in their division. they won their first game 9-0. jake scored three goals. they advanced to the next round, and tonight they beat the first place team in the division 6-4. the game was freaking awesome. at the end of the game, jake organized a dousing of their coach with water. it was the equivalent of the gatorade being dumped on the coach at the superbowl. it was hilarious - the coach never saw it coming. those boys love him.

i gave one of my son's team mates a ride home, because his parents had a family commitment. when we got into the car, i said to jake, "ooooooo weeee. you guys do NOT smell good!" he said, "ya smell that mom??? THAT IS THE SMELL of winners." what could i really say in answer to that?

on the way home, we rocked out to some butt rock on KLZX. life is pretty good when you, your 11-year-old son and his friend can sing "livin on a prayer" by bon jovi at the top of your lungs in the car.

jenna is guest playing in a tournament in layton this weekend, so we're gonna smash in a real salt lake game while we're at it. :)