life's been a slippery slope lately. it seems that when things are great at home, they suck at work. and if they are great at work, they suck at home. i hate that saying, "you can't have your cake and eat it too." who said that? that person is stupid.
people say things to me like, "i don't know how you do it all."
here's the truth: i don't.
it's that simple. i don't. i fail. a lot.
if i'm being a great mom, i'm probably being a shitty wife. if i'm being a great employee, then i'm stumbling at motherhood. if i'm being a good wife, then i'm being a bad friend. if i'm being a fantastic friend, then i'm being a bad employee.
i can't do it all.
i've got things to do at work. and? it keeps piling up. not that i don't love it. i do. i've got a stack of books that i desperately want to curl up and read. tomorrow. in a love sac in the sunshine. i've got a bunch of DVDs that i want to watch, and tv series that i want to catch up on. for instance...i've never seen 24. i want to get every season of 24 that is on DVD and i want to watch them from start to finish. i know, i know. realllll important. but STILL. it's something i want to do. i want to walk my dogs twice a day, i want to have the prettiest flower beds and i want to freakin learn more about SQL server. talk about important. :)
i can't really explain it, but .. i'm traveling down this road...alone. and honestly, i know i have great friends, a husband, co-workers, kids, etc., but i'm doing this alone. i really am. and part of that is because i choose to. i don't want anyone with me. do other people feel like this? do i subconsciously hold people at arm's length? stuff i can't answer right now, and... i don't have to answer it right now, either.
there will be light at the end of this tunnel. i am convinced that there will be light. for the last several weeks, i've been on the edge of despair. there have been some dark days. i'm still clawing at the edge, desperate to stay on top of it all. and i think i'm winning. i think i'm going to make it.
p.s. no pity comments. or i'll cut you.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
ima leavin' on a jet plane
i've been away from home a lot recently. first the vacay with the kids, and i just got back from a quick business trip. i love visiting clients, i love to travel, but i hate being away from home at the same time. i try to be here as much as possible for my family. they suffer when i am gone. one of my dogs (i'm 98 percent sure it's stormy. i shake my fist in her general direction!!!!) has taken to peeing and pooping on my carpet in the living room when i am gone as a way to express her displeasure with my absence.
i am an experienced traveler. i don't fly nearly as often as my co-workers, but i'm not the casual vacationer, either. i never fail to be amazed at the behavior of people in airports, including on the shuttle, in the airport and on the airplane. (i wrote a huge post on this over at my old school blog, see hear speak no evil. check it out sometime...)
airlines have made a major mistake in charging people to check bags on airplanes. because people are too cheap to check a bag (and i am one of those people), this has resulted in the following:
1. longer times to get through security, because there are more bags to be screened. more quart-sized bags of liquids 3 oz or less have to be removed from luggage. sidebar: as a woman who loves her products, traveling can be quite the challenge with the 3 oz limitation.
2. people attempt to take luggage on the plane that has NO BUSINESS BEING ANYWHERE inside the cabin. also, a family of 5 would rather take 5 carry-on pieces FOR FREE than check 2 large suitcases and be done with it. this takes up tons of space on board.
3. boarding the plane takes much longer than it needs to, mostly because people are bringing more stuff on board. flight attendants have to spend time jamming stuff into the overhead bins and rearranging bags. this is time that i'd rather have them spend on making half decent coffee. coffee that i don't have to chew before i can swallow it.
4. more times than not, my "carry-on" luggage is checked at the gate. most times, this is due to the fact that i am stuck flying on one of those spacious regional jets, so i realize this doesn't happen to everyone. this means my bags are being handled exactly like your "checked" luggage that you paid for. the only difference is i get my stuff right at the gate, instead of having to find the baggage claim and waiting 20 minutes for it to be unloaded. so... you totally got ripped off. that's what i'm trying to say.
work through this with me. airports/airlines are paying the baggage handlers on the ground $15 an hour, no matter how many bags they check, right? so whether they handle 10 bags or 100, they make the same wage.
people have always tried to carry on way too much stuff. airlines should charge for additional carry-on luggage... i believe this would speed the lines through security, it would speed up the boarding of the plane, and people would think twice about bringing so much stuff on board.
be honest, when the ticket agent at the gates starts yakking about "limited carry-on space on board," do you even listen? i sure as hell don't. i'm taking on my carry-on, my laptop bag AND my purse. who is going to stop me? and yeah, i'm going to put it in the overhead bin, NOT under my seat. why should i be uncomfortable for the flight? i paid as much as everyone else did, and they brought as much stuff on board as i did.
so, airlines. you've got it backwards. you should be charging people to carry on their luggage. it's not the checked baggage that is bogging you down.
i am an experienced traveler. i don't fly nearly as often as my co-workers, but i'm not the casual vacationer, either. i never fail to be amazed at the behavior of people in airports, including on the shuttle, in the airport and on the airplane. (i wrote a huge post on this over at my old school blog, see hear speak no evil. check it out sometime...)
airlines have made a major mistake in charging people to check bags on airplanes. because people are too cheap to check a bag (and i am one of those people), this has resulted in the following:
1. longer times to get through security, because there are more bags to be screened. more quart-sized bags of liquids 3 oz or less have to be removed from luggage. sidebar: as a woman who loves her products, traveling can be quite the challenge with the 3 oz limitation.
2. people attempt to take luggage on the plane that has NO BUSINESS BEING ANYWHERE inside the cabin. also, a family of 5 would rather take 5 carry-on pieces FOR FREE than check 2 large suitcases and be done with it. this takes up tons of space on board.
3. boarding the plane takes much longer than it needs to, mostly because people are bringing more stuff on board. flight attendants have to spend time jamming stuff into the overhead bins and rearranging bags. this is time that i'd rather have them spend on making half decent coffee. coffee that i don't have to chew before i can swallow it.
4. more times than not, my "carry-on" luggage is checked at the gate. most times, this is due to the fact that i am stuck flying on one of those spacious regional jets, so i realize this doesn't happen to everyone. this means my bags are being handled exactly like your "checked" luggage that you paid for. the only difference is i get my stuff right at the gate, instead of having to find the baggage claim and waiting 20 minutes for it to be unloaded. so... you totally got ripped off. that's what i'm trying to say.
work through this with me. airports/airlines are paying the baggage handlers on the ground $15 an hour, no matter how many bags they check, right? so whether they handle 10 bags or 100, they make the same wage.
people have always tried to carry on way too much stuff. airlines should charge for additional carry-on luggage... i believe this would speed the lines through security, it would speed up the boarding of the plane, and people would think twice about bringing so much stuff on board.
be honest, when the ticket agent at the gates starts yakking about "limited carry-on space on board," do you even listen? i sure as hell don't. i'm taking on my carry-on, my laptop bag AND my purse. who is going to stop me? and yeah, i'm going to put it in the overhead bin, NOT under my seat. why should i be uncomfortable for the flight? i paid as much as everyone else did, and they brought as much stuff on board as i did.
so, airlines. you've got it backwards. you should be charging people to carry on their luggage. it's not the checked baggage that is bogging you down.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
spring break has broken
i just spent 7 days with my kids. that's not a typo. seven days. twenty four hours a day.
and i lived.
barely.
for the first time ever, the kids had a whole week off from school, and i decided we'd take a little vacation. also for the first time ever, i have gone 6 solid days without checking work email. i'm pretty sure i'm going to suffer an extreme anxiety attack, followed by a subsequent bout of diarrhea tomorrow when i get to work and open outlook. more on that later. maybe. maybe i don't want to blog about issues with my colon. :) more importantly, you may not want to read about issues with my colon.
my kids really enjoyed the time we spent together. they thanked me more than once for taking them on vacation and i'm pretty sure that we created memories for a lifetime.
yeah, ok, so maybe i did make them pose for this photo. but i only had to ask once. they're looking out over the ocean at huntington beach, just north of newport beach. it looks warm, but it wasn't. it was cold and windy, but they didn't care. they thought the ocean was awesome. i had to drag them away, teeth chattering and sand stuck in their toes.
it's back to normal life tomorrow.
and i lived.
barely.
for the first time ever, the kids had a whole week off from school, and i decided we'd take a little vacation. also for the first time ever, i have gone 6 solid days without checking work email. i'm pretty sure i'm going to suffer an extreme anxiety attack, followed by a subsequent bout of diarrhea tomorrow when i get to work and open outlook. more on that later. maybe. maybe i don't want to blog about issues with my colon. :) more importantly, you may not want to read about issues with my colon.
my kids really enjoyed the time we spent together. they thanked me more than once for taking them on vacation and i'm pretty sure that we created memories for a lifetime.
yeah, ok, so maybe i did make them pose for this photo. but i only had to ask once. they're looking out over the ocean at huntington beach, just north of newport beach. it looks warm, but it wasn't. it was cold and windy, but they didn't care. they thought the ocean was awesome. i had to drag them away, teeth chattering and sand stuck in their toes.
it's back to normal life tomorrow.
Monday, April 5, 2010
observations from the road
1. jenna on vegas: "mom, you just don't see people like this in richmond."
2. jake: "why do they hand out that trash (referring to the porn peddlers on every corner)? can't they just make that illegal??
3. the super 8 motel in butt, montana is nicer than the excalibur hotel in las vegas. i wish i were making that up. you should see my hair, completely ruined today by the water pressure (or lack there of...) of the shower head.
4. it doesn't rain in barstow very often. but when it does, one has to wonder if god is a woman scorned. wow. what a storm.
5. there should be fashion police in las vegas. ones that write actual tickets.
6. is las vegas spanish for "douche bags?" because that city is filled with the douchiest people i've ever seen, complete with their affliction and/or ed hardy shirts. and hair gel. seriously, guys, time to hang up the shirts with the tattoo-like looking designs and move on.
7. to the skanky girls in las vegas. i think you believe you look pretty, but that's just the alcohol talking. your butt length, skin tight halter top dress really just makes you look fat and cheap. trust me on this one, mm kay?
8. there is no diet dew in bottles in anaheim?? not at the 2 gas stations i stopped at. insert all the usual acronyms here, like WTF, WTH, FFS, OMG, LAME. ok, so lame isn't one. but it should be.
9. my kids love the ocean. there is sand everywhere in my car to prove it.
10. that's all i've got for now. maybe there will be more later this week if i've got time....
2. jake: "why do they hand out that trash (referring to the porn peddlers on every corner)? can't they just make that illegal??
3. the super 8 motel in butt, montana is nicer than the excalibur hotel in las vegas. i wish i were making that up. you should see my hair, completely ruined today by the water pressure (or lack there of...) of the shower head.
4. it doesn't rain in barstow very often. but when it does, one has to wonder if god is a woman scorned. wow. what a storm.
5. there should be fashion police in las vegas. ones that write actual tickets.
6. is las vegas spanish for "douche bags?" because that city is filled with the douchiest people i've ever seen, complete with their affliction and/or ed hardy shirts. and hair gel. seriously, guys, time to hang up the shirts with the tattoo-like looking designs and move on.
7. to the skanky girls in las vegas. i think you believe you look pretty, but that's just the alcohol talking. your butt length, skin tight halter top dress really just makes you look fat and cheap. trust me on this one, mm kay?
8. there is no diet dew in bottles in anaheim?? not at the 2 gas stations i stopped at. insert all the usual acronyms here, like WTF, WTH, FFS, OMG, LAME. ok, so lame isn't one. but it should be.
9. my kids love the ocean. there is sand everywhere in my car to prove it.
10. that's all i've got for now. maybe there will be more later this week if i've got time....
Thursday, April 1, 2010
balance
today's post is inspired by my friend connie. connie is a loving mom, friend, wife and blogger. she's been on a weight loss journey recently, and she likes lots of the same things that i do, including tv shows, guess jeans, shopping, and shoes. and food. and cooking. she isn't from utah, but she lives here, and she doesn't really love it here. i keep hoping she'll change her mind. i love it here.
you wanna know the kicker? i've "known" her for more than a few years now, and we've never met in real life.
ten years ago, i would have told you that is theeee weirdest thing ever. today, i think it's pretty normal.
anyway, over at her blog today, she's got a post about her goals for the month of april. it turns out that since i started blogging, i have nothing to say, so i thought i'd steal this idea and talk about what i want to focus on for the month of april. it all comes down to one word:
balance
1. work smarter at work. this means try to stay focused, don't multi task as much, and use time wisely. this is going to be super important for the month of april for a few reasons. first, i'm taking a whole week of vacation...and... i'm not going to check my work email while i'm on vacation. for the first time in 4 years. wish me luck when i get back to the office, because i'm going to need it. second, i have a business trip in april to one of my favorite places to visit - oklahoma city. i adore oklahomans. don't judge me.
2. family really is first. my kids will start playing soccer this month, which i absolutely LOVE. i love watching them play, but it had better not be freezing ass cold weather for the next 10 weeks. yes, god, i'm talking to you. and i'm shaking my fist in your direction. dude. seriously. let's have some sunshine. i've been working on NOT yelling at my kids as much. it seems that they don't know how to deal with me when i'm calmly upset. whatever that means. calmly upset. whatever.
3. sleep. for the love of all that is precious, this girl needs more sleep. i need to balance the day with the night. the nighttime is the right time.
how do you find balance?
you wanna know the kicker? i've "known" her for more than a few years now, and we've never met in real life.
ten years ago, i would have told you that is theeee weirdest thing ever. today, i think it's pretty normal.
anyway, over at her blog today, she's got a post about her goals for the month of april. it turns out that since i started blogging, i have nothing to say, so i thought i'd steal this idea and talk about what i want to focus on for the month of april. it all comes down to one word:
balance
1. work smarter at work. this means try to stay focused, don't multi task as much, and use time wisely. this is going to be super important for the month of april for a few reasons. first, i'm taking a whole week of vacation...and... i'm not going to check my work email while i'm on vacation. for the first time in 4 years. wish me luck when i get back to the office, because i'm going to need it. second, i have a business trip in april to one of my favorite places to visit - oklahoma city. i adore oklahomans. don't judge me.
2. family really is first. my kids will start playing soccer this month, which i absolutely LOVE. i love watching them play, but it had better not be freezing ass cold weather for the next 10 weeks. yes, god, i'm talking to you. and i'm shaking my fist in your direction. dude. seriously. let's have some sunshine. i've been working on NOT yelling at my kids as much. it seems that they don't know how to deal with me when i'm calmly upset. whatever that means. calmly upset. whatever.
3. sleep. for the love of all that is precious, this girl needs more sleep. i need to balance the day with the night. the nighttime is the right time.
how do you find balance?
