life's been a slippery slope lately. it seems that when things are great at home, they suck at work. and if they are great at work, they suck at home. i hate that saying, "you can't have your cake and eat it too." who said that? that person is stupid.
people say things to me like, "i don't know how you do it all."
here's the truth: i don't.
it's that simple. i don't. i fail. a lot.
if i'm being a great mom, i'm probably being a shitty wife. if i'm being a great employee, then i'm stumbling at motherhood. if i'm being a good wife, then i'm being a bad friend. if i'm being a fantastic friend, then i'm being a bad employee.
i can't do it all.
i've got things to do at work. and? it keeps piling up. not that i don't love it. i do. i've got a stack of books that i desperately want to curl up and read. tomorrow. in a love sac in the sunshine. i've got a bunch of DVDs that i want to watch, and tv series that i want to catch up on. for instance...i've never seen 24. i want to get every season of 24 that is on DVD and i want to watch them from start to finish. i know, i know. realllll important. but STILL. it's something i want to do. i want to walk my dogs twice a day, i want to have the prettiest flower beds and i want to freakin learn more about SQL server. talk about important. :)
i can't really explain it, but .. i'm traveling down this road...alone. and honestly, i know i have great friends, a husband, co-workers, kids, etc., but i'm doing this alone. i really am. and part of that is because i choose to. i don't want anyone with me. do other people feel like this? do i subconsciously hold people at arm's length? stuff i can't answer right now, and... i don't have to answer it right now, either.
there will be light at the end of this tunnel. i am convinced that there will be light. for the last several weeks, i've been on the edge of despair. there have been some dark days. i'm still clawing at the edge, desperate to stay on top of it all. and i think i'm winning. i think i'm going to make it.
p.s. no pity comments. or i'll cut you.
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