Tuesday, April 20, 2010

into the void

life's been a slippery slope lately. it seems that when things are great at home, they suck at work. and if they are great at work, they suck at home. i hate that saying, "you can't have your cake and eat it too." who said that? that person is stupid.

people say things to me like, "i don't know how you do it all."

here's the truth: i don't.

it's that simple. i don't. i fail. a lot.

if i'm being a great mom, i'm probably being a shitty wife. if i'm being a great employee, then i'm stumbling at motherhood. if i'm being a good wife, then i'm being a bad friend. if i'm being a fantastic friend, then i'm being a bad employee.

i can't do it all.

i've got things to do at work. and? it keeps piling up. not that i don't love it. i do. i've got a stack of books that i desperately want to curl up and read. tomorrow. in a love sac in the sunshine. i've got a bunch of DVDs that i want to watch, and tv series that i want to catch up on. for instance...i've never seen 24. i want to get every season of 24 that is on DVD and i want to watch them from start to finish. i know, i know. realllll important. but STILL. it's something i want to do. i want to walk my dogs twice a day, i want to have the prettiest flower beds and i want to freakin learn more about SQL server. talk about important. :)

i can't really explain it, but .. i'm traveling down this road...alone. and honestly, i know i have great friends, a husband, co-workers, kids, etc., but i'm doing this alone. i really am. and part of that is because i choose to. i don't want anyone with me. do other people feel like this? do i subconsciously hold people at arm's length? stuff i can't answer right now, and... i don't have to answer it right now, either.

there will be light at the end of this tunnel. i am convinced that there will be light. for the last several weeks, i've been on the edge of despair. there have been some dark days. i'm still clawing at the edge, desperate to stay on top of it all. and i think i'm winning. i think i'm going to make it.

p.s. no pity comments. or i'll cut you.


Connie Weiss said...

If I had to work a job away from the house.... I couldn't do it. I wish I could do more than I do but I'm so tired. I want more hours in a day. I'm thinking of drinking red bull...

brenda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
brenda said...

jess...its called balance, and when you figure it out would you let the rest of us in on the secret? heck maybe you could bottle it and make a fortion off of it.

Anonymous said...

hey bon' qui qui, it's called life and you are doing just fine!

Nan said...

My favorite saying is "Something's gotta give". No matter how hard we try, we just can't do it all. It will make you crazy trying. Trust me. So I've decided it's ok that my house will NEVER be clean enough and my dishes and laundry will NEVER be done..and work will be there tomorrow. But our kids being kids wont, so keep loving and living for them. Enjoy it while it lasts. Life is short. Carpe Diem! I'll shut up now. Please don't shank me. And if you need help-don't keep me at arms length. Just ask. I'll probably say no, but ask anyway. Luvyerguts!

Stacey said...

The question is why do you feel the need to do it ALL???
Who do you know has ever done it all?? ( that did not have a COMPLETE AND TOTAL MELT DOWN AND WENT CRAZY?!)
YOu can't combine the two... they don't permit those type of hours here in the US.

You know what cracks me up, is we the female race is ever foolish enough to actually think we can!!! The men are smart enough to know when it's quiting time and time to go do nothing... but that's a whole other subject.

But if makes you feel better, I know how ya feel.. Some people can multitask better then I can, which is why I don't work outside the home. I can't be the breadmaker and make the bread at the same time. I'm not that cool. So be proud of what you can do. And keep what's important at the top. ( family in case you were questioning that.)
YOu do what you can do... when you can do them.. the end.

Good luck with the balance.. you rock!